If I Lived At 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue...

2009-03-18T12:40:00.003-04:00

I'd make anyone who receives a "retention" bonus and then leaves the company not only repay the bonus in full, with at about a 29.9% interest rate, just like credit cards, but also apologize in public on the National Mall at high noon in D.C.

And then we should find where that person lives and go to their house and pee in their private pool.

2009-01-21T22:02:00.002-05:00

....I would be SO HAPPY now that the new occupants have moved in. Bring on the puppy!

2008-11-06T21:30:00.004-05:00

.....I would let my kids get a puppy, too....and insist that before they move into their new White House rooms, they must first wipe down the walls to remove every hint of vapidity, intolerance and dishonesty that still lingers in the corners. Then, they can re-decorate rooms to their heart's delights and let that little puppy (I hope it's a rescue-shelter MUTT) chew on the Lincoln Bedroom. His name should be something Chicago-ish, or Midwestern. Like Daley. Or Cubby. Or Community Organizer Dog.

Might I also add that 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue feels as if it's about to be re-energized? Exorcised? Revived?

And may I share with all of you readers (thanks, Sara!) the sheer joy of knowing that one now resides in a BLUE state?

Ahhhhhh......it's as good as swimming in banana pudding.

2008-09-20T10:41:00.002-04:00

....before I would bail out ANY failing company with federal tax dollars, I would first insist on a few ground rules. To wit:

Every CEO and C-level executive must reduce his/her salary to either 1.) minimum-wage OR the 2.) average of all middle-managers' salaries in that company. And no raises except for the average raise that everyone else in the company gets for that previous calendar year.

ELimination of all perks. No corporate jets. No sales meetings in exotic places. No executive lunchrooms, washrooms lunches, dinners, two-martini anythings. No company cars, no company housing allowances.

No bonuses.

No compensation packages.

No frills of any kind for anyone. If the lowest-level employee doesn't get the perk, no one gets the perk.

Then and ONLY then will the federal government even CONSIDER rescuing your company.

2008-09-13T09:30:00.002-04:00

....I would NOT want as my Vice President (given who's had that position the last eight years, should we maybe remove the world "vice" from the title???....just a thought) someone who thinks "aerial wolf hunting" is something that's OK to do, just for sport. Or for profit/bounty.

It's a brutal practice. Wolves are shot from low-flying aircraft or chased to exhaustion, then shot and killed at point-blank range.

Governor Sarah Palin, the Republican nominee for Vice President, promotes this barbaric practice, exploiting a loophole in the Federal Airborne Hunting Act to allow private wolf killers to shoot down wolves using aircraft. We have to get the word out about this!

Please watch this powerful video by Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund, and then share it with every wildlife lover and conservationist you know.

And vote with a brain in two months, eh?

2008-09-07T21:39:00.005-04:00

......I would make sure my nominee for Vice President did not come highly imbued with elements of white trashiness. (A certain recent candidate's choice inspired visions of a double wide on the White House lawn, with a few snowmobiles on cement blocks behind it)....

I would make sure my VP candidate actually has some grasp, even a teeny tiny one, of what the VP actually does (besides, of course, starting/waging wars, acting like Darth Vader, and tossing down a few before shooting old white guys in the face).

I would insist that my candidate not lie.

I would probably suggest that in a sense of fairness to her (I'm talking about you now, Ms. Palin) other uniquely named children (Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig), Ms. Palin and her soon-to-be-teen-age-mommy-daughter Bristol name their child-grandchild appropriately as well, linked to an equally relevant highlight, place or life event at that moment in time. I'm suggesting Trojan. Or perhaps Lambskin. Or Norinyl. Or Yasmin.

And I have to ask: Wasn't Dubya sold to us as just a "regular guy" and an "accomplished governor." Do we really want that AGAIN? Whole helluva lot of good it did us last time around...

2008-09-04T21:16:00.003-04:00

.....I would really emphasize the need for things like truth and common-sense government that works. So let me just remind folks of these blasts from the past (8 years):

duct tape and plastic
WMD
spider holes
Abu Ghraib
"when the Iraqis stand up, we'll stand down"
white-cake uranium
FISA
wiretapping for democracy
Katrina
Heckuva job, Brownie
Harriet Miers
"I-don't-recall" Gonzalez
Jack Abramoff
No Child Left Behind
Cheney face-shooting extravaganza
"Al Quaeda determined to strike within the United States" pre-9/11 memo
9/11 Commission recommendations (not implemented)
biological warfare trailers
$600 rebates will stimulate the economy amazingly well
strategery

Enough?

2008-07-17T20:56:00.004-04:00

....I would insist that all new occupants after Jan. 20, 2009, are able to move into a clean, new environment. Here's the plan:

1. The current occupants of 1600 P, before they move out, should be thoroughly exorcised of the horrible, awful, nasty, brain-sucking, emotion-deadening, truth-twisting, morality-shirking, stupid-inducing spirits and ghosts that have invaded and taken over their bodies for the last 8 years. Yeah, Cheney, that means you and everyone in your %$#$%#@% underground bunker, too.

2. In the span of time between the move-out of the "old" occupants and the move-in of the Obama family, the entire White House complex should undergo a thorough de-lousing, spring cleaning, wall washing, pipe-flushing, and full-ventilation air exchange. Yes, the entire building should undergo the equivalent of a Lysol douche. Fresh starts, bottom to top.

3. Hippies everywhere -- the ones who still wear peasant skirts and beaded flowers in their hair and wave those swirly wand things through the air and wear energy-focusing metal-crystal triangles on their heads (you KNOW who you are) -- should converge in D.C. and just go wild in the streets, spreading their good vibes everywhere.

And I hope the Obama girls get their puppy.

2008-06-27T19:44:00.002-04:00

......I would respect whomever won the primary and his right to choose WHOMVER HE WANTS to be his running mate.

Coming in second qualifies one for.....the red ribbon, second-place trophy and nothing else.

And if you're one of those people who's threatening to vote for McCain because you didn't get Hillary, what ARE you thinking? I mean, REALLY.

2008-05-06T21:47:00.003-04:00

........I would hire without an interview whoever writes Barack Obama's speeches. Damn, those are good speeches!

And in an upcoming speech, I'd work in this little factoid from Sen. Harry Reid on The Daily Show this week: the U.S. is spending $5,000 every SECOND in Iraq.

That's sick.

2008-04-17T21:50:00.003-04:00

....I'd remind people of all the cool stuff we could be investing in if we weren't paying THREE TRILLION DOLLARS for a war that'll never be "won."

Don't believe it? Go see what you could buy for 3 Trillion Dollars.

Personally, I'd start with some train networks that criss-cross the country and then some new sewage treatment plants and some water treatment plants, and new schools for lots of kids, and some real help for New Orleans, and the best health care possible for anyone who's served in the U.S. military, especially those who've served in Iraq or Afghanistan in the last 5 years. Free health care for them for the rest of their lives, just like the Congress folks get, you know. Fair is fair. Then maybe some oil independence on the side. And solar collectors for every house south of about the Mason Dixon line. And that's just on the first day.

What did YOU buy?

2008-03-19T20:44:00.002-04:00

....I wouldn't mark the 5th anniversary of the invasion of Iraq (and yes, it WAS/IS an invasion), by deciding to spend my time fishing on the yacht of the Sultan of Oman. I think I'd instead spend time thinking about the nearly 4,000 soldiers who have died since March 2003 and the thousands and thousands of others who've been injured. And salute them....and then go donate some money to the Democratic candidate who will get us the hell OUT of other country's business and tribal snits and politics.

2008-03-09T21:08:00.002-04:00

....I'd remind one female candidate for the Presidency that "experience" is as much about where you came from, how and who you were born, how you fit in (or don't fit in with "establishment" folks) and what kind of people you've grown up with as it is about holding privileged positions in the nation's capitol. And I'm guessing the experiences were a whole lot more real on the South Side of Chicago than they were in Evanston, you know?

Lord knows we've had our fill in the last 8 years of privileged, Ivy League kids whose parents made everything easy for them.

I'm saying it here: VOTE FOR OBAMA. There rest of the world is watching, too. That's perhaps the most important thing of all. Well, that, AND ending this stupid war.

2008-02-12T20:45:00.000-05:00

.....I'd invite Barack and Michelle to move right in with their cutesy-pie little girls.

GOOOOOOOOO-BAMA!

Yes, I'm Hillary's demographic: older woman, liberal, Democratic, pro-choice, yadayadayada. But I'm tired of her "experience" and her husband and her race-baiting disguised as whatever they think it is otherwise.

But I'm going with Obama, and I invite all of Ohio to join me, won't you?

Time for a change. Time for someone who's a good writer, a good public speaker AND a good soul, and Barack seems to be all of those, and more.

I want change, sure. I want ideas. I want consensus. I want new ways of looking at and solving things. I want a First Lady who truly speaks her mind, and that, to me, is Michelle.

I'm for Obama.

2007-11-18T20:55:00.000-05:00

...one of my first official acts as "queen" (I think I'd change the name from "president" to "queen" just for kicks, but that's not what this little diatribe is about), would be to require that ANY new construction (house, restaurant, rest area, commercial/industrial building) in U.S. cities where the sun shines most of the time put a solar collector on the roof. And start using THAT for whatever energy it can provide. Like Phoenix. And Tucson, Sante Fe, Albuquerque, Palm Springs, San Diego, Miami, Clearwater, Daytona, Atlanta. And places in Texas and Florida. And New Mexico and California and Utah and (you get my drift, right?). In fact, I almost have to ask, "why the hell aren't you sunny cities doing it now???" It's FREE energy, for cripe's sake, and it gets delivered right to you. Grab you some of that, OK?

2007-11-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

....I'd do a lot less talking and a lot more listening. I think the guy who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania right now likes to hear himself talk, but I rarely observe him listening, especially to people who either don't like hearing him talk or who don't necessarily agree with him on pretty important issues, like war and the environment and health insurance and tolerance and women and kids and morality and taxes. I remember watching footage a few years back of UK Prime Minister Tony Blair in a roomful of average Brits who were pelting him with really serious questions, and he listened and answered every one of them. I don't think I've ever seen he-who-should-not-be-named from Texas do that. Ever. He really should. It makes you smarter when you listen to other people. And it gives you new ideas and perspectives on stuff. And makes you a little less big-headed and small-hearted, and every politican could use a healthy dose of both.

If I get elected, I'll listen a lot. (I'll talk a lot, too, but not before listening just as much. I promise).

2007-10-22T21:50:00.000-04:00

...if portions of my country were burning to a crisp from wildfires or drying up because of severe drought, or even still trying to recover from a hurriance that hit more than a year ago, or being choked to death on air pollution or crowded because of poor planning, or using up perfectly good cornfields for housing developments and blacktop, I would certainly say something. Anything. Start talking about how important it is for little kiddies to study science and weather and statistics and global patterns and energy alternatives and energy consumption and greenhouse gases and responsible land planning/land use and mportant stuff, you know, about how people can continue to live on this green earth? Before it dries up or burns away or gets so crowded it's just not healthy or fun anymore?? Wouldn't you?

2007-10-16T21:54:00.001-04:00

...I would propose that most of the U.S. government work virtually. As in, from home. Especially Congress and all of the people in those big granite buildings in D.C. There's no reason they couldn't just work from home and send it in by email. Would save a lot of paper (email becomes the main form of communication) and gasoline (no need to commute). People'd probably get a lot more work done, and Congress folks could all stay in their home states and really listen to people rather than get big-headed by moving to DC and losing touch with what it means to work every day and be a real citizen.

But if I stayed at my home instead of in the White House, I PROMISE I'd never spend time clearing brush. What a waste of good time.

2007-10-14T21:13:00.000-04:00

....I would support children's health, and paying for children's health, and revoking tax breaks for wealthy people to pay for children's health. Pretty simple concept, don't you think? Kids need health care; rich people don't need more money. They need to pony up.

2007-09-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

....I would never EVER, at an event marking a nationwide education program of even questionable value, say "Childrens can learn." EVER.

(Insert here: big sigh heard round the world, and not in a good way, mind you).

2007-09-20T19:04:00.000-04:00

......I would make sure that during my Administration, the rest of the world didn't zoom right past us the way it has the past 8 years. What has America done lately for the environment? Global warming? Broadband access? Medical research? Democratic ideals? (and that does NOT include Tasering guys at public speeches who simply seem to be totally jerkface obnoxious at asking questions). Technology innovation? Human rights? Health insurance? Balancede budgets? Really cool urban public schools? Vibrant downtowns? Urban planning? More welfare reform? Job creation?

ABSOLUTELY FRICKING nothing, that's what. And if I were president, that would change.

First up: everybody would be encouraged to buy cloth bags to take to the grocery with them so we could start reducing the use of plastic.

And anything that comes packaged in something that requires scissors to cut it open would be banned.

Yup, BANNED. It's OK for govenrment to ban bad things, but not good stuff like free speech.

2007-07-01T17:55:00.000-04:00

...if my vice president said he didn't want to be considered part of the "executive" branch, I'd kick his ass out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue so quickly he wouldn't know what hit him. Then I'd shoot him in the face with quail buckshot.

Dumbasses and arrogant SOBs will NOT be tolerated, ever.

2007-06-05T20:49:00.000-04:00

...I would love to see Al Gore replace me when my term is up. In fact, a Gore-Obama ticket in 2008, I think, would be pretty darn unbeatable. Rational. Smart. Multi-audience kinds of guys. One experienced and kinda boring (the way a good president ought to be), and one energetic and full of youth and ideas and zoomph. A great combination. PowerPoint kinds of guys, good writers, people persons. Not some jock-jerks who talk big and know nothing and will do anything to screw anyone but themselves, which is what inhabits 1600 right now.

Gore-Obama 2008. Join the movement now. I did.

Besides, my daughter thinks he's hot.

2007-05-22T20:47:00.001-04:00

.....I would pay attention to petitions like this one from MoveOn.orgthat demand government do something to stop the influence of the oil companies on national policy. When gas jumps 40 cents a gallon overnight, you KNOW the fix is in.

2007-05-16T22:26:00.001-04:00

....I would WELCOME......timetables. Honest.

2007-05-16T22:18:00.000-04:00

....if my Attorney General was the kind of person that even members of my own party might like to investigate for legal improprieties, I think it would be a good/great/excellent idea to replace him, with someone who's a really good lawyer instead of someone who's just a dumb friend.

2007-05-16T22:13:00.000-04:00

....I would probably say very stately things about the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, but don't really live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and I don't have to say stately things. I'm a blogger who IMAGINES what it would be like to be in the White House, and thus it made me giggle when my astute daughter IM'd me the day Falwell died with this message: "I bet he'll be really surprised when he wakes up and discovers he's in hell."

My only thoughts were these: Yes, Falwell had a lot of influence, but I truly truly hope that when he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he's totally shocked to discover that god is a goddess (thanks, JIM!) and she's a kickass, feminist, liberal, Democratic, purse-toting gay Teletubby.

THAT would be divine providence, don't you think?

2007-04-25T21:29:00.001-04:00

...I would heartily embrace timetables. Time: good. Tables: good. Timetables: good good, no?

Yes.

2007-04-25T21:27:00.000-04:00

...I wouldn't feel particularly confident in anyone in my administration who, when testifying before Congress, used the phrase "I don't know" 71 times. Or more. Isn't that grounds for incompetencial dismissal (let alone nationally televised public embarrassment?)

As someone commented as Alberto left the hearing room, "how the hell did you get through law school????"

2007-01-23T21:59:00.000-05:00

So I haven't posted anything for a while, but I've been busy doing the "hard work" of thinking about what it would be like to inhabit 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. First order of business in this new wave of ideas: figure out, distressingly so, what kinds of excuses to come with when, at the end of summer 2007, the "new way forward" in Iraq turns out to be more of the deadly same, what to tell the families of soldiers -- men, women, brothers, daughters, sisters, sons, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, even grandpas -- why it didn't work.

"Oops, we were wrong...again?"

"Our bad. Sorry."

"Guess we need better intelligence next time?"

"Do-over?"

Then again, maybe I'll feel sad for a while....

2006-07-28T17:57:00.000-04:00

...I would flat-out fire any Secretary of State that isn't serious about real, honest-to-god diplomacy in the Middle East.

2006-07-11T16:36:00.000-04:00

...I wouldn't wait for the Supreme Court to have to rule on whether certain practices or issues are illegal or immoral. First, I'd assume that most of the folks on my White House staff were competent and moral enough to figure out a lot of things for themselves, stuff like whether you can hold prisoners without chargse for years at a time in tropical prisons on a foreign-nation islands, or whether it violates the Constitution to snoop through people's phone records, bank records, health records and who-knows-what-else-they're snooping through because it takes a diligent press to find out. Or whether it's OK to torture soldiers in custody. A lot of that stuff is pretty common sense, because if you violate the accepted rules, you don't look very good to the rest of the world, do you?

2006-07-10T12:53:00.000-04:00

...I would take on terrorists of all kinds, not just brown-skinned ones that the current government seems so hell-bent to destroy through bombs. What kinds of terrorists am I talking about?

Corporate terrorists: the kind who have multi-million dollars salaries while their companies are laying people off, eliminating pension plans and cutting benefits.

Educational terrorists: who undercut public education, the foundation of ANY democracy, by funneling money and energy to religious fanatics. (If throwing money at a war solves international problems, why doesn't throwing money at public education solve education problems?)

Environmental terrorists: especially people who claim that global warming is a myth or that the science doesn't back it up. You don't need science. All you need to do is open your damn eyes and pay attention to Mother Nature.

Civil Rights terrorists: the very folks who talk about less-government this and less-government that are the very ones supporting a full-scale erosion of civil rights, individual rights and government BY the people FOR the people. More than ever, we need judges who will stand up for the people, not the lobbyists, corporations and high-paid white men who get them elected.

Urban terrorists: the government leaders who continue to lure houses and jobs and development farther and farther away from dying core cities, when supporting inner cities is what can bring back jobs and excitement and eliminate our dependence on cars and foreign oil.

Energy terrorists: those corporate mouths and engineers who continue to claim that energy breakthroughs are 15-20 years away, when they're here RIGHT now for anyone with the gumption to pursue them and invest in them. If corporate America won't, it should step aside for entrepreneurs who believe in new ideas, new technologies and new ways of creating energy.

Health terrorists: especially men who claim they know everything about women's bodies and women's choices and what's best for women. Next time THEY get pregnant or raped-and-pregnant, they can spout off all they want. Until them, shut the hell up, please.

Idea terrorists: What happened to interesting ideas like mass transit and public education and environemtnal protection and equal wages for all and a sound Social Security system and eldercare and childcare and living wage standards and air pollution control and water pollution control...and....and.... Gay marriage is the best anyone can come up with these days?

Terrorists...a pox on them all, and you know who you are.

2006-06-18T22:30:00.000-04:00

.....I would require every member of my staff to go see Al Gore's movie, "An Inconvenient Truth." It's a good movie, regardless of one's politics, and reminds a lot of people that if given a choice between a nerd with a Powerpoint, an inquiring mind and a sound grip of science, or a C-average, spoiled-boy Texas jerk with a chip on his shoulder and not much of a brain in his drug-addled head, people should always vote for the nerd.

2006-05-28T16:33:00.000-04:00

...I would send both the FBI AND the CIA into the White House to root through files, ask hard quesitons, grill everyone about everything they've done in the name of "national security" and "protecting the integrity of the President" and "freedom" and "9/11" and "tracking down leaks" and "voter security" and "campaigning" and "trying to run a government" ...and would probably end up putting them all in jail.

So be it.

2006-05-17T11:19:00.000-04:00

...I would certainly update my blog more frequently than I have been... and instead of building more fences along our Mexican border I would attack the immigrant problem at the cause: Businesses that hire illegal immigrants because they can get away with it.

I would immediately propose legislation that would eliminate ALL tax breaks forever for any business caught hiring an undocumented immigrant worker, and charge a $1,000/day penalty/worker for any company found to be employing them.

There ARE honest companies out there who do the hard work, file the papers, write the letters, intervene with embasssies and follow the law in order to allow documented immigrants to work here. Every company should be held to the same high standard, and those that don't meet the standard should pay. Money.

The ongoing national discussion on immigration forgets this key point: people wouldn't be scrambling, climbing, swimming, scaling our borders if there weren't U.S. business men and women on THIS side of the border waving greenbacks in their faces.

2006-02-16T19:05:00.000-05:00

...I wouldn't keep asking for more money for a war unless I also had a timetable, a plan and a schedule for getting us out of it.

2006-01-20T14:45:00.000-05:00

...I'd enact my own lobbying reform bill, because I certainly don't trust the elected representatives who are being paid off now by lobbyists to have anyone's interests but their own at heart. The new 2006 Suemac Campaign Finance Reform and Lobbying Reform Bill provisions would include:

* No contribution of any kind more than $100. And only one per....per individual, per corporation, per family.
* Any corporation caught donating to politicians or candidates would be forced to pay an immediate "politics tax" of 10% of the CEO's salary. Each additional fine is another 10% of the CEO's salary.
* No Congressman can work as a lobbyist for a minimum of 10 years after leaving office.
* Once hired as a lobbyist, every lobbyist must ride around D.C. on a tricycle so he/she can be identified easily. Parking? You're on your own, like everyone else.
* No meals, lunches, dinners, gifts worth more than $25 can be given to any elected officeholder.. No sports, no golf, no titty bars, no cars, no taxi cab rides, no NOTHING.
* Congress is hereby limited to being in session no more than 6 months of the year. Any more than that, and they're dangerous.
* Every Congressperson's salary is $40,000 a year. And they have to pay for health insurance like every other person in America. And dental insurance. And contribute to their own 401-K. And parking. And housing. And car insurance. And tuition.
* If there are ANY doubts about any donation or contribution or act that could be construed as fishy, the final determination will be made by: a public school teacher from Ohio, a rancher from Montana, a kindergartender from Maine and a truck-stop waitress from Florida. THEM's the most ethical, hard-working, normal people I can think of, and that's what lobbying reform needs: hard-working NORMAL people deciding what's proper and what's not.

2006-01-14T20:48:00.000-05:00

....I would tell the CIA to quit launching air strikes against other countries just because it thinks it can.

2006-01-06T16:54:00.000-05:00

...I would get a serious case of the willies if I found out that I'd received money from a guy who's now a pleaded-guilty lobbyist for fraud, corruption and tax evasion. Giving the money he gave ME to a charity is the least I would do.

First, I'd publicly apologize to my entire nation that I had associated with such scumbags. Secondly, I'd publicly resign (see? I knew there was a way to get me out of office!) for malfeasance or misfeasance or just being a big public jerk about fund-raising and campaigning. And I'd ask every member of Congress to join me so the entire country could start from scratch with real people sitting in those seats in the House and Senate.

Adn this time, NO lawyers are allowed to run for public office. Or self-made millionaires. Or Ross Perot. Only public school teachers. And social workers. And people who believe in energy independence and new ideas. And a few astrologers, just to throw sh** in the game and keep things interesting. And some artists, becuase they always have interesting ideas. And at least 15 people who lost their homes/jobs/pets to hurricane Katrina this year and another 15 who either served in Iraq in the military or lost family members there, because you know they've got to have hearts of gold...and still be a little p-o'd about what happened...and still isn't happening.

And some truck drivers and people who work in nursing homes and child-care centers, and a doctor who works in a public health clinic somewhere. Because we really need to fix the energy crisis and the health-care crisis and bring our soldiers home from Iraq.

And THAT, my friend, is just the start.

The new government slogan: "We tolerate everybody. We're anti-war. And we abhor liars."

2005-12-21T17:08:00.000-05:00

...I would NEVER spy on my own citizens just because I thought I had the power to do so.

2005-12-02T14:43:00.000-05:00

...I would immediately cancel any contracts with "public relations firms" that are paying people to "plant" articles in the Iraqi media. At a time when this country is supposed to promoting and planting democracy, would why ANYONE approve a plan that is diametrically opposed to that ideal? Thomas Jefferson must be spinning his grave...

2005-12-02T14:42:00.001-05:00

...I would start giving speeches to crowds that weren't universally on my side. It's kind of shallow and creepily odd, especially when you're the Prez, to surround yourself only with people who think like you, isn't it?

2005-12-02T14:42:00.000-05:00

2005-11-18T16:09:00.000-05:00

...I would make sure that the people in my administration who make the very serious decisions about whether to go to war are people who actually know what the hell they're talking about. To wit:

Democrats:
* Richard Gephardt: Air National Guard, 1965-71.
* David Bonior: Staff Sgt., Air Force 1968-72.
* Tom Daschle: 1st Lt., Air Force SAC 1969-72.
* Al Gore: enlisted Aug. 1969; sent to Vietnam Jan. 1971 as an army journalist in 20th Engineer Brigade.
* Bob Kerrey: Lt. j.g. Navy 1966-69; Medal of Honor, Vietnam.
* Daniel Inouye: Army 1943-47; Medal of Honor, WWII.
* John Kerry: Lt., Navy 1966-70; Silver Star, Bronze Star with Combat V, Purple Hearts.
* Charles Rangel: Staff Sgt., Army 1948-52; Bronze Star, Korea.
* Max Cleland: Captain, Army 1965-68; Silver Star & Bronze Star, Vietnam. Paraplegic from war injuries. Served in Congress.
* Ted Kennedy: Army, 1951-53.
* Tom Harkin: Lt., Navy, 1962-67; Naval Reserve, 1968-74.
* Jack Reed: Army Ranger, 1971-1979; Captain, Army Reserve 1979-91.
* Fritz Hollings: Army officer in WWII; Bronze Star and seven campaign ribbons.
* Leonard Boswell: Lt. Col., Army 1956-76; Vietnam, DFCs, Bronze Stars,and Soldier's Medal.
* Pete Peterson: Air Force Captain, POW. Purple Heart, Silver Star and Legion of Merit.
* Mike Thompson: Staff sergeant, 173rd Airborne, Purple Heart.
* Bill McBride: Candidate for Fla. Governor. Marine in Vietnam; Bronze Star with Combat V.
* Gray Davis: Army Captain in Vietnam, Bronze Star.
* Pete Stark: Air Force 1955-57
* Chuck Robb: Vietnam
* Howell Heflin: Silver Star
* George McGovern: Silver Star & DFC during WWII.
* Bill Clinton: Did not serve. Student deferments. Entered draft but received #311.
* Jimmy Carter: Seven years in the Navy.
* Walter Mondale: Army 1951-1953
* John Glenn: WWII and Korea; six DFCs and AirMedal with 18 Clusters.
* Tom Lantos: Served in Hungarian underground in WWII. Saved by Raoul Wallenberg.

Republicans:
* Dick Cheney: did not serve. Five deferments, the last by marriage.
* Dennis Hastert: did not serve.
* Tom Delay: did not serve.
* Roy Blunt: did not serve.
* Bill Frist: did not serve.
* Mitch McConnell: did not serve.
* Rick Santorum: did not serve.
* Trent Lott: did not serve.
* John Ashcroft: did not serve. Seven deferments to teach business.
* Jeb Bush: did not serve.
* Karl Rove: did not serve.
* Saxby Chambliss: did not serve. The man who attacked Max Cleland's patriotism.
* Paul Wolfowitz: did not serve.
* Vin Weber: did not serve.
* Richard Perle: did not serve.
* Douglas Feith: did not serve.
* Eliot Abrams: did not serve.
* Richard Shelby: did not serve.
* Jon Kyl: did not serve.
* Tim Hutchison: did not serve.
* Christopher Cox: did not serve.
* Newt Gingrich: did not serve.
* Don Rumsfeld: served in Navy (1954-57) as flight instructor.
* George W. Bush: failed to complete his six-year National Guard enlistment; assigned to Alabama so he could campaign for family friend running for U.S. Senate; failed to show up for required medical exam, disappeared from duty, was not disciplined.
* Ronald Reagan: due to poor eyesight, served in a non- combat role making movies.
* Bob Dornan: Consciously enlisted after fighting was over in Korea.
* Phil Gramm: did not serve.
* John McCain: Vietnam POW, Silver Star, Bronze Star, Legion of Merit, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross.
* Dana Rohrabacher: did not serve.
* John M. McHugh: did not serve.
* JC Watts: did not serve.
* Jack Kemp: did not serve. "Knee problem, " although continued in NFL for 8 years as quarterback.
* Dan Quayle: Journalism unit of the Indiana National Guard.
* Rudy Giuliani: did not serve.
* George Pataki: did not serve.
* Spencer Abraham: did not serve.
* John Engler: did not serve.
* Lindsey Graham: National Guard lawyer.
* Arnold Schwarzenegger: AWOL from Austrian army base.

Pundits & Preachers
* Sean Hannity: did not serve.
* Rush Limbaugh: did not serve (4-F with a pilonidal cyst, a cyst on the tailbone, not serious. See http://www.healthfinder.gov/hg/files/?id=96680 for information.)
* Bill O'Reilly: did not serve.
* Michael Savage: did not serve.
* George Will: did not serve.
* Chris Matthews: did not serve.
* Paul Gigot: did not serve.
* Bill Bennett: did not serve.
* Pat Buchanan: did not serve.
* John Wayne: did not serve.
* Bill Kristol: did not serve.
* Kenneth Starr: did not serve.
* Antonin Scalia: did not serve.
* Clarence Thomas: did not serve.
* Ralph Reed: did not serve.
* Michael Medved: did not serve.
* Charlie Daniels: did not serve.
* Ted Nugent: did not serve.

My First Man:
* Richard Rossiter, U.S. Army, chief warrant officer and helicopter pilot (shot down twice; Purple Heart, Bronze Star). Vietnam 1970-71.

2005-11-11T15:37:00.000-05:00

...I would be clear with the American people about the things we clearly SHOULD consider to be clear threats to democracy and things we shouldn't.

Things we SHOULD consider to be clear threats to democracy:
1. Dishonesty and lying
2. Fake news
3. Gerrymandering and rigged elections
4. Cronyism and nepotism
5. Narrow-minded judges
6. Wars with no strategies for peace
7. An international attitude of arrogance and indifference
8. Stupidity and ignorance at the highest levels of government
9. Churches that get actively involved in political campaigns
10. Smug, snarky, self-important jerks like Karl Rove, Jack Abramoff, Tom DeLay, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld.

Things we SHOULD NOT consider to be clear threats to democracy (or American society/life/family as we know it:
1. Gay people or gay marriage
2. Charles Darwin and sound science
3. Social security
4. A national health plan, like nearly everyone else in the industrialized/civilized world has
5. A free press and reporters who ask hard questions without fear
6. Women (especially with with ideas)
7. Birth control or sound family planning advice
8. Open-minded people who are willing to change with the times. It quit being the 1950s more than 50 years ago, you know....

2005-10-31T11:58:00.000-05:00

...I would do a quick "OOPS!" today and go back and find a WOMAN to nominate to the Supreme Court. DUH.

2005-10-31T11:56:00.000-05:00

...I'd make sure that ANYONE whose name showed up in Pat Fitzgerald's indictement, even anyone whose name is "Official A" (I'm not naming names, Karl Rove), pack up their desk immediately and turn in a letter of resignation as they head out the door. Even if there's only the hint of wrongdoing, it's time to go away. Good riddance to anyone who can't understand the difference between politics and governance.

2005-10-28T17:33:00.000-04:00

...I'd be sure to nominate another woman for the Supreme Court, if for no other reason than to honor the service and example of Sandra Day O'Connor. Plenty of white guys already.

2005-10-21T12:39:00.000-04:00

...I would announce today -- before any indictments are handed down -- that anyone indicted or even implicated in the leaking of CIA agent Valerie Plame's name to any reporter would be reuqired to hand in his/her resignation as soon as that information becomes public. No ifs, ands or butts. If your name's on the list, you're outa here.

2005-10-18T16:54:00.000-04:00

...I'd ask the Federal Elections Commission to ask all candidates for all future offices (federal, state and local) to use recyclable paper or old grocery bags for their campaign signs. Plastic signs are a waste of money and they're using up valuable oil reserves (maybe the rising price of oil will make them too expensive without federal invention!). Besides, they're ugly. If people want to put up a sign for a candidate in their yard, tell them to use a Magic Marker and an old paper grocery bag. Then recycle it when the elections are over. And if it rains and disintegrates, go make another. Simple as pie, eh?

2005-10-17T09:34:00.000-04:00

...I'd announce today that American troops will start coming home from Iraq today. The Iraqis have voted on a constitution, and no matter what their decision, it's obvious they're not going to give up civil unrest or thousands of years of tribal grievances overnight. And the presence of American troops is risky to the troops and to the stability of that country. Today. Start bringing them home today, that's my executive order. And let the guys in Ramadi and Fallujah be first on the planes.

2005-10-15T08:55:00.000-04:00

...I'd have the people in my press office call the people at Fox News and tell them, "Hey, shut UP, will you?"

2005-10-15T08:53:00.000-04:00

...I'd encourage the Iraqi people, as they vote on their constitution, to make sure they set up a National Park System in Iraq first thing. The only way to serve the future, seems to me, is to honor the past, and if the Tigris and Euphrates really is the birthplace of civilization, seems to me the Iraqis have lots more than most countries on earth. Besides, creating and nurturing parks is far better than detonating bombs and blowing stuff up.

2005-10-10T21:38:00.000-04:00

....I would do what that old bumper sticker says: make the Pentagon hold a bake sale or wrapping-paper sale every time they wanted to buy a new bomber or new uniforms, and instead I'd give public schools billions of unaccounted-for dollars. At least if I'm going to waste money, it's going to be on kids and learning, not killing and bombs and stuff.

2005-10-10T21:35:00.000-04:00

...I'd think seriously about the timing of the "terror alerts" that my government would issue. I'd at least make sure they were plausible, credible reports of possible terror, and more than that, I'd try to issue them so that it didn't always look like I was trying to do the old "look over there!" routine to distract attention from bad news elsewhere in my government. Like if a hurricane had just hit and my government did a terrible job responding to it, or if I'd just appointed a Supreme Court nominee that even the people who were SUPPOSED to be my friends detested, I wouldn't go issuing a terror alert in hopes of distracting their attention. Pretty soon, people will start to figure out that kind of stuff.

2005-10-07T16:35:00.000-04:00

...I'd ask people in my administration, or people nominated for Supreme Court judgeships, to limit themselves to one tube of mascara a day. Someone needs to send Harriet Miers to the makeup counter at Macy's.

2005-10-06T16:11:00.000-04:00

...I'd start to think of good ways to get us OUT of the war in Iraq instead of insisting that we stay there and continue to make things worse. No wonder the war on terror is now global....we're making people all over the WORLD hate our guts.

2005-10-03T09:21:00.000-04:00

...I would pick someone to be a JUDGE on the U.S. Supreme Court, which handles JUDICIAL decisions and stuff that's pretty important, who at least had a little teeny bit of experience as, hmmm, I don't know, a JUDGE. Even a few years on mayor's court would be good.

2005-10-01T09:42:00.000-04:00

...I would ask the Democratic Party to consciously start delivering messages not about politics and political campaigns but about governance and governing. The current residents of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue seem to think that they're running an eternal campaign, and they've forgotten that they're supposed to be governing, leading and innovating, not politicking, grandstanding and photo-opping. Seems to me most of the residents of the U.S. of A would prefer leaders who are good at governance, not politics. There's a big difference.

2005-09-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

...I would politely tell the good people of Ketchikan, Alaska, that even though they want a $200 million (with a m) bridge built to get to their airport, and even though their Congressman wormed the project into the federal budget, they're just going to have to give it back to help rebuild the levees around New Orleans. Sometimes, things just boil down to numbers: Ketchikan has 14,500 residents and probably fewer cars. The economic contributions of New Orleans simply trump in this equation. As Jimmy Carter once said, "Life isn't fair..." and guess, what? He was right.

2005-09-30T12:07:00.000-04:00

...I would make every Friday "Great Idea Day" in the U.S., a day when everyone -- children, students, homeless folks, scientists, workers, retirees, old folks, illegal immigrants, you name it -- could suggest ideas on how to make the U.S. a better place to live. Maybe there'd be a huge web site where all the ideas could be posted, categorized and voted on. It's 2005, you know....about time we starting putting technology to use for something that could be really really good. My first idea: a federal mandate that by the end of 2006, all cars, trucks, vans and SUVs made in the U.S. (or sold by U.S. auto companies, no matter where they're made) get at least 40 miles per gallon, highway or city. It could be done if we put our minds to it. (And failing that, I'd invite the makers of Germany's Smart Cars to open up as many dealerships in the U.S. as they wanted. Competition certainly spurs creativity....

2005-09-30T12:01:00.000-04:00

...I would reiterate my intent to nominate a woman to the U.S. Supreme Court. More than half of the folks who live in this country are women, many of them capable judges and attorneys. I'd find a good one and nominate her right away.

2005-09-29T09:20:00.000-04:00

...Instead of asking NASA to take us to the moon or Mars (what the hell?), I'd ask NASA to become the premiere science agency for the entire country and focus on more than just space. Their first assignment: turn loose all of the scientific know-how in the country to come up with energy alternatives that are effective, low-cost and gentle on the enviornment. Like Tang for Mother Earth...

2005-09-29T09:18:00.000-04:00

...I'd make a few phone calls today and see that charges were dropped against Cindy Sheehan, the Gold Star mom who was arrested outside the White House last weekend. Seems a bit stupid to punish a woman who's already lost her son to a war that lots of people are having a hard time justifying any more.

2005-09-28T16:36:00.000-04:00

...I would put a WHOLE lot of distance between me and Tom DeLay. I'd fersure make sure that he wasn't within an arm's reach of my back pocket...

2005-09-28T16:33:00.000-04:00

...I would go gung-ho on a national energy plan that's not easily dismantled (in a matter of hours!) by hurricanes and storms and tribal warfare in Iraq. I'd get people excited about solar energy again, and wind-powered turbines like the ones that gracefully dot the landscape in the Netherlands, and straw-bale houses and energy-efficient water pumps like they have in Germany and all sorts of energy-efficient engines. It's about time we quit sucking on the oil teat and put your brains to use.

2005-09-28T16:29:00.000-04:00

...I wouldn't try to explain things by starting out with the word, "See?.... as in "See, people really should cut back on their driving to conserve gas" or "See? The people in Iraq are committed to freedom" or "See? It's like this. I'm a uniter, not a divider. I like to unite. Not divide." Because first of all, it makes me sound really stupid, as if I'm grasping for words that just aren't there, and it's really condescending to the people I'm supposed to be leading. If they can't "see" it, I'm not doing a good job of making it obvious.

2005-09-22T15:51:00.000-04:00

...I'd try not to be so obvious about cronyism/political payoffs when nominating people to take major positions in my administration. Like, I wouldn't appointment a 36-year-old pretty inexperienced woman, who also happens to be the niece of my soon-to-retire Joint Chiefs of Staff head and the newlywed of my Homeland Security Director's chief of staff, to head up the all-important customs and immigration office. I think I'd really look for someone who has experience in, oh I don't know, let's say, customs and immigration.

2005-09-20T16:44:00.000-04:00

....Even though she was a slob as a teen-ager, I think I'd appoint my daughter to be in charge of the cleanup of New Orleans (and then when that's done, I'd put her in charge of the cleanup/reorganization of the entire federal government). She lived for a year in the Big Easy, so she knows the city. She doesn't take crap from anybody (never has, not from the moment of birth), she has an uncanny ability to organize people around a cause, and she's turned into a meticulous cleaner who actually loves to receive Mr. Clean Magic Erasers as gifts. I think she has the perfect combination of talents and skills, and I'd be proud to have her as part of my administration.

2005-09-18T18:11:00.000-04:00

...I think I would look around and start choosing a whole new Cabinet to go with my new Supreme Court. My ideal Cabinet? Richard Clarke would be back in charge of Homeland Security. Jon Stewart would be Chief of Staff, Maureen Dowd would be press secretary and Bill Clinton would be ambassador to the UN. I think Thomas Friedman or that guy from Newsweek would be an excellent Secretary of State, and Paul Krugman would be Secretary of the Treasury. I'd like someone like Joceyln Elders back as U.S. Surgeon General, someone who's not afraid to speak the truth. My friend Ken Peterson would make a great Attorney General, and for secretary of Education, I'd co-nominate my sisters, both public school teachers with almost 60 years of experience between them. Let ANYONE take them on...I dare ya! And any person who supports intelligent design theory or trickle-down economics or abstinence-only sex education would be given the boot immediately.

2005-09-18T18:08:00.000-04:00

...I would smack myself for lying again about not having to raise taxes to pay for Katrina. Voters like to hear that "no taxes" bullcrap, but everyone knows that taxes are REQUIRED to run a government. And running a government into the grossest and most uncalled-for debt in U.S. history is no way to run a country. Taxes would HAVE to be part of the rebuilding plan, and it should start with revoking the tax cuts that I championed earlier. Heck, rich people should pony up to rebuild their own country. And looking back on it, those tax cuts were a joke.

2005-09-15T12:53:00.000-04:00

...I would ask some serious questions about why Halliburton, already sucking money out of the federal budget like there's no tomorrow in Iraq, is now getting a lot of no-bid contracts to rebuild stuff along the Gulf Coast. I know it's Dick Cheney's old company and buds, but gosh, it looks a little improper, don't you think?

2005-09-06T19:00:00.000-04:00

...I would issue an executive order mandating that every person asked to testify before the Congressional inquiry into what caused the dangerously, stupidly, bumblingly, embarrassingly slow response to Hurricane Katrina do so with full honesty. I think I've had enough of this "don't play politics by placing blame" thinking that's infested my current administration. At some point, somebody has to take responsibility, right?

2005-09-06T18:58:00.000-04:00

...I would start a housing program (bear with me on this) for people who are truly down on their luck. Seems that with the price of gas going up, up, up, lots of SUV owners (Expeditions, Suburbans, Hummers, the really really big jobbies) aren't going to be able to afford gasoline, so I'd ask them to do a humanitarian favor and donate the SUVs they intend to sell/trade in to homeless people to live in, at least temporarily. They're certainly roomy enough. Park 'em at the Astrodome, and let people pick their style, color and model year.

2005-09-06T18:54:00.000-04:00

...I would have serious questions for the person on my staff who was supposed to do a background check for Michael Brown, the head of FEMA. Seems his last executive position was as head of an association of Arabian horse owners, and he was asked to leave that job for not doing it right. Is that any way to run a country? And what does it say about MY skills as an executive?

2005-09-05T18:48:00.000-04:00

...I would fire the director of FEMA for gross imcompetence, and then I might even offer to resign myself for the same reason. Face it, I blew it. Again.

2005-09-05T18:45:00.000-04:00

....I would ask every church in the U.S. to adopt one family that's been made homeless by Hurricane Katrina. If each church could provide housing, some money, clothing, food and help for about six months, a lot of people could get taken care of.

2005-09-03T09:22:00.000-04:00

...I think I would ask Rudy Guiliani to come help me handle the cleanup of Hurricane Katrina. Without him at my side during a major national crisis, I look like a clueless, bumbling fool.

2005-09-03T09:20:00.000-04:00

...I would urge every American who owns a recreational vehicle (RV), and every RV dealer who has old/used RVs that won't sell, to donate the vehicle to the thousands of people who are now homeless because of Hurricane Katrina. They're self-contained, and with the price of gas, no one's going to be able to drive them anyway.

2005-09-02T19:13:00.000-04:00

...I would challenge every major U.S. corporation, especially those who benefited so much from my tax cuts, to dig to the bottoms of their well-line pockets and donate as much as they can to disaster relief. Wal-Mart's $1 million donation? It's laughable, don't you think? It's a miniscule percentage of that company's daily profits, and it's a shame that it's all that Wal-Mart, a Southern-based corporaton, could come up with.

2005-09-02T19:09:00.000-04:00

...I would issue a decree that everything in all New Orleans-area stores right now is free to anyone who wants it. Looting? I don't think so...most of these people are just looking for food and supplies to keep them alive, and the only stipulation to the "it's free" declaration would be medical drugs (not free...available only to those who need them). Looting? I don't think it's looting. I think it's called sheer, human survival.

2005-09-02T15:43:00.000-04:00

...I would ask Congress to approve a new plan whereby 10% of all oil-company profits, for the next 10 years, be automatically earmarked for building new oil refineries and supporting alternative fuel sources...everything from wind turbines to solar energy to hybrid cars to electric/hydrogen-powered cars to the construction of straw bale houses and other energy-friendly building techniques. It's stupid that this country, with all its brains and after all these years, is still so dependent on oil and the gas-powered engine.

2005-09-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

...I would order an immediate repeal of the tax cuts that I put into place in the last few years and order all of the new money to go for Hurricane relief. Tax cuts are one thing, but this money is really needed now.

2005-09-02T15:40:00.000-04:00

...I would ask the Department of Housing and Urban Development to get to work right away on a plan to house all of the refugees from Hurricane Katrina. Instead of tearing down public housing, as they've been doing for the past few decades, maybe it's' time to start rebuilding it?

2005-09-02T14:30:00.001-04:00

...I would immediately order all amphibious vehicles now stationed in the DESERTS of Iraq to be returned to Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama on overnight military flights so they could be deployed in New Orleans to rescue people from flooded houses and rooftops. As President, I wouldn't know how to explain the fact that 14 Ohio soldiers were recently blown up in an amphibious vehicle in the middle of the Iraqi desert. The sad, despicable irony of just typing those words is just too much to fathom and impossible to justify.

2005-09-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

...I would order my two able-bodied daughters to go anywhere they could in the Gulf Coast and volunteer to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

2005-08-31T14:48:00.000-04:00

...I'd immediately make sure that all the National Guard troops from Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama who are now serving in Iraq would be called home, not only to help their own families but to help their own communities. They are "national" troops after all, and I'd have to admit that I made a big fat mistake by sending them overseas.

2005-08-31T14:46:00.000-04:00

...I'd try to rally the American voters around rescuing people affected by Hurricane Katrina as much (or more) than I did after 9/11. From the looks of it, Katrina's devastation is far worse and more widepsread than the 9/11 bombing, even though they're two far different events.

2005-08-18T16:28:00.000-04:00

...I think I'd do the right thing and end my five-week vacation a few weeks early, especially since there's so much going on right now. I'd go back to Washington D.C. and get back to work, just because it would be the moral thing to do when so many people are not able to enjoy life right now, what with the occupation of Iraq going south and soldiers dying there for no reason and gas prices skyrocketing and inflation heating up and half of my staff being investigated for leaking an agent's name.

2005-08-10T14:42:00.000-04:00

...I wouldn't ignore or disrespect any gold-star mother whose son voluntereed to fight in the same military that I worked so hard to weasel out of in the 1970s. That would be highly hypocritical and shallow, wouldn't it?

2005-08-10T14:40:00.000-04:00

...I'd come clean about what the government knew about terrorist attacks and when the government knew it. It doesn't look good to the rest of the world if they all think the U.S. lied to go to war.

2005-08-09T21:27:00.000-04:00

...I wouldn't make Cindy Sheehan camp outside my ranch in the stifling heat. I'd invite her in, give her a glass of cool lemonade, hug her and tell her how sorry I am that her son, Casey, died in Iraq in a war that I stupidly led the country into on false pretenses, and I'd promise to do everything in my power to bring the rest of the soldiers home as soon as possible. The war on terror is one thing, I'd finally say to her in total honestly, and it's obvious now that Iraq had nothing to do with it.

2005-08-08T20:47:00.000-04:00

...I would have nominated a woman to the U.S. Supreme Court. Seems the white-guy voice is pretty well over-represented enough as it is.

2005-08-08T16:35:00.000-04:00

...I certainly wouldn't start a war unless I had a good plan for stopping it, too.

2005-08-08T16:28:00.000-04:00

...I certainly wouldn't want the words "White House" to become synonymous with the word "liar" or "weapons of mass deception."

2005-08-08T16:01:00.000-04:00

...if I had five weeks of vacation, I sure as heck wouldn't spend it in Texas. I'd go somewhere in the world where there's a lot of trouble and see if maybe I could do something to help. One person can do a lot of good in five weeks.

2005-08-08T15:49:00.000-04:00

....I'd make sure that all the people who worked for me told the truth, too, and if they were found to have told a lie, even a little one, I'd politely point them to the door and tell them to go find somewhere else to work.

I wouldn't want people in my country, and people around the world, to think that the folks in the White House were making things up or not being honest all the time. That could get you into a lot of trouble, don't you think?

2005-08-08T14:24:00.000-04:00

...at the very least I would tell the truth all the time.